Boris Bonking Back To Westminster

Forget all those suggestions that he was more likely to be reincarnated as an olive: London’s occasional Mayor Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson has at last ‘fessed up to what we knew all along. He wants to return to Westminster, and not just to sample the less than wonderful interior of one of his vanity buses plying Route 24. Bozza wants to be an MP once again.

Cripes chaps! Oo-er! Down Percy!

This news was released to a not really expectant world by Bozza’s preferred media outlets, the Evening Standard (aka London Daily Bozza), and the Maily Telegraph, for which he dashes off a column while awaiting his Sunday luncheon (served by whichever unfortunate host he dumps on that weekend), trousering a mere £250,000 a year of “chicken feed” in the process.

So what finally persuaded him that he should favour the House of Commons with the presence of Himself Personally Now? Er, Syria, that’s what: “I did feel for the first time in more than five years, I felt during the whole Syria thing, I thought I wish I’d been voting there”. Like he’d have made a jot of difference to what happened (maybe the vote against the Government would have been even more conclusive).

And MP it is, then: “I’m more likely to serve my country in that form than as either a Premier League footballer or the lead singer of a boy band ... We’ll have to see what crops up. I cannot give you a more categorical answer because genuinely there is no more categorical answer. It’s not as though there is an answer in my head that I’m concealing from you”. So the usual waffle, again.

In any case, Bozza would need a seat to fall vacant in 2015, and preferably with a sizeable Tory majority. So what chance is there of that? Ah well. The Telegraph, ever helpful to his cause, has the answer: “Is Crispin Blunt MP being forced out to make way for Boris Johnson?” asks the headline, after the Member for Reigate was told recently to re-apply for the berth.

Who that? Reigate has been represented since 1997 by Blunt, whose majority in 2010 was larger than the vote secured by the Lib Dem runner-up. He scored more than 53% of the popular vote. This is a comfortably safe Tory seat. And easing Blunt out, after he “came out” over his sexuality, appears to be a process already set in train. This shows a strange set of Tory moral imperatives.

Confessing to being gay is clearly trumped by the serial philandering and subsequent dishonesty of Bozza, which famously got him sacked from the shadow cabinet – not for screwing around, but lying to Michael Howard about it. And, for the icing on the cake, voters get someone whose legacy to Londoners includes dumping a half-billion pound bill on them for all those vanity buses.

Good to see Reigate Tories have their priorities in order. No change there, then.